Wishes
by FairyNiamh
Summary: Jim has to be careful what he wishes for.


**Notes/Warnings**: Angst, Talks of suicide

**A/N**: Thank you to drivvenwrinth who beta'd this disaster.

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"Kirk to Enterprise; come in Enterprise. Where the fuck are you Enterprise? We need to beam up now!" the young captain said in a panicked voice while trying to keep an eye on the prone figure in the cave behind him. A soft 'Jim' alerted him that Bones was finally awake if only just.

"Hey there, no worries Bones, I'm sure Spock and the others will be here soon."

"I'm dying," Bones sighed… happily with a slight smile on his face.

"No, no… you're not dying. You have to live Bones. You promised me, remember? You said you would live as much as you could and you have to take care of Joanna and David. Who's going to care for the kids if you die? You certainly can't expect me to do it."

"I'm just so tired Jim; tired of being alone, tired of being the adult, just... tired of… everything. Let me go Jim… Please."

"Can't let you go Bones, never could and never will. I love you too damned much to let you go."

"Damned greedy son of a bitch - I just need to rest Jim… just … a… little… sleep."

"Bones, don't you dare close your eyes. Come on let me see those beautiful eyes of yours. Don't you fucking dare die on me or for me. It's supposed to be you berating me for my idiocy not me willing you to live. I want you to live for me you fucking dumbass, I demand you live for me. If you die I'm divorcing you posthumously. Is that what you want? You want to be divorced twice in one lifetime?" Jim said in a panic while watching the light in his husband's eyes fade.

He gathered Bones into his arms and held him tight to his chest while screaming himself hoarse for the Enterprise to 'please' respond… to 'please God someone come and save Bones'. Screaming louder still to be rid of the pain welling in his chest from losing his guiding light in life as he tried to shake life and light back into the figure in his arms. Screaming until he passed out from lack of oxygen and felt nothing.

When he came to in med bay he groaned and threw his arm over his eyes to block out the light and the pain of knowing that it would be M'Benga, not Bones… never again Bones, attending him. Damned selfish bastard had no right putting himself in danger or taking a shot that had clearly been intended for Jim. He had no right dying in Jim's arms…. no right to die at all.

He curled up on his side and silently cried in grief. He would never again get to hold his husband… and now he had to tell their children that Papa was never going to come home… and how do you explain that to children without dying a little inside…. while being strong for them. He wasn't sure he could do it. He now had a bit more respect for the horror his mother went thru at his birth.

"Captain," Christine said softly while touching the broken man's shoulder.

"Go away Nurse Chapel… declare me unfit and leave me to my grief. Hell, give Spock the ship because I quit. I can't be out here without… I can't do this without… I just can't. Just leave me to my grief," Jim snarled before breaking back down in tears. He couldn't even bring himself to think his dead husband's name let alone mutter it. He had no right to sit in the Captain's chair… not when he was this broken… not when it was his actions that sent the man he loved to his death.

Everything… every damned reading had told them that the planet was deserted… no animal life… just plant… a fucking garden. Who could blame Jim for wanting to go down and have a picnic with his husband under such peaceful conditions? A fucking dream vacation turned into a nightmare in a blink of an eye. He didn't really give a flying fuck what the crew thought of his current mental state. Spock at the very least should kind of understand the need to grieve and mourn.

Bones would be berating him for crying so much over him. He had always said he wanted him to remember the happy times they'd had should he pass… but how do you remember the happy times without crying? Without mourning the fact that there could be no more times like it because half of you is missing? How do you go on with half your heart and soul forever silenced anyway?

How long had he been here in this bed… avoiding his duty to Bones… avoiding Jojo and David? Their beautiful children deserved two parents, not half a parent. Still… it was time… time to man up and take care of them. He hoped he had enough pull within Starfleet to keep Jojo. He knew that Jocelyn would jump at any sign of weakness to take his little girl away from him and David. He knew they could make it thru the loss of Bones… but to lose Bones and Jojo would be unthinkable and something that would likely tear his little family apart.

He struggled to sit up. There was so much to do and no time. Bones' burial would have to wait; right now he needed to resign his post and get to his kids. They were the only tangible proof that he and Bones had been together... and he wasn't willing to lose that last thread... grief be damned.

You can imagine his shock when a large familiar hand landed on his shoulder and pushed him back down on the bed. "Easy there Jim, you're going to destroy all my hard work. It was touch and go there for awhile... but, you managed to pull thru; like you always do you lucky son of a bitch. You and your damned life defying stunts really are un-fucking-believable."

"You're alive…" Jim said weakly while fighting back a new, happier, wave of tears.

"Of course I'm alive. I wasn't the fool who said yes to that damned ritual. I don't know what was in that smoke they blew in your face… but your neurological readings were all over the place and then you just stopped breathing; which surprised and panicked even the Phaelixians. No one had ever responded the way you had… by the way we are still in orbit around that accursed planet… they wanted you, and only you, to finish the negotiations. Selfish bastards," McCoy muttered.

"I don't care who did what to me. I'm just so glad you aren't dead. I… I was dreading telling Jojo and David about you never coming home again. It would have hurt them… I know that it hurt me and… I wanted to die Bones. Just the thought…"

"I don't know who David is, but if you tell my Jojo that I'm dead I will toss your ass out an airlock. Imagine telling a child such a cruel lie," Bones muttered while glaring at Jim.

"I'm not telling them now that I know you're alive! I have never been cruel to our children, you know that, and what do you mean you don't know David. David is our son. You bitched and fussed at me the entire time I was carrying him. Don't – don't you remember Bones?" Jim asked while reaching out for his husband and then paused when he noticed his hand for the first time. "Where is my wedding band?"

"No idea what you're talkin' about kid, but it looks like that damned powder did more than almost kill you. What in the hell were those idiots thinking? Don't worry about it Jim I'll get you fixed up and straightened out in no time. You… pregnant and having my kid; of all the weird things I have heard come from your mouth, that's the weirdest," Bones muttered while running a scanner over Jim.

"I don't want anything fixed! I want my husband and babies back. God damn it Bones… how could you have forgotten? Five years… we've been married for five years! Jojo just turned ten and now wants to be a model. David will be three here soon. He's always into everything and getting him to settle down is a miracle and you always grouch that he inherited my reckless behavior and allergies. How can you forget all that?"

"Look kid, I forgot nothing. Those damned Phaelixians really did a number on you. I better contact them and find out if they are willing to share a sample of their sacred dirt. I swear, is full disclosure too much to ask for?" Bones grumbled checking to be sure he hadn't missed anything in the readings.

"Bones," Jim said with a shaken voice not at all liking what he was hearing.

"You just lay there kid. We'll get to the bottom of this," Bones said gently with a worried smile before heading out of the private room and to his office.

"How is the Captain?"

"Jesus Spock, give a man a heart attack why don't you," he said while grasping his chest.

"My apologies Doctor it was not my intention to startle you," Spock said stiffening up even more than normal.

"Don't get official here Spock. Jim is… God, Spock… he's so delusional," he whispered as he leaned his head on the broad chest in front of him.

"Shhh, do not worry Leonard. I am sure you will find a cure for the Captain," Spock replied.

Neither noticed the Captain standing just outside the door watching his best friend embrace his husband in an obviously romantic move. When Spock softly kissed Leonard on the cheek Jim clutched the doorframe tightly while covering his mouth.

This wasn't right. He had to be in the wrong fucking place or something. Spock and Bones needled each other and bickered to the point of driving him insane. They were not romantic and Spock was never that gentle with anyone outside of Uhura and his own son.

He couldn't do this. As hard as it was for him to come to terms with Bones death; to raising their children by himself… there was no way that he could face a world without his husband AND his children. He… just couldn't… he would rather die than face a reality like that.

Paying no heed to the blinding tears streaming down his face he rushed from sickbay toward the shuttle hanger. There he would be able to find an end to this nightmare. Space was the one thing that had never denied him; surely he would find the solace he so desperately sought. She would not deny him a quick end to the nightmare that he was facing.

He screamed in anger when the hanger door refused to open. 'Is even my beautiful lady trying to slowly kill me with grief? Does the universe truly hate me so much as to deny me right to death? Why? WHY? Oh dear God… why are you testing me like this? I confess now that I am not the stronger person. I can't be happy watching my husband be happy with someone other than me. I cannot be the bigger man… I would rather swallow a vial of poison or go hand to hand with ten Klingons than to continue living in this heartbreaking world. A world where I am alone… and so unloved.'

"Captain," Spock softly called to him.

"Unless you're here to kill me get the fuck away! Why do you get to be happy and I have to be miserable? Why Spock? Why are you with my husband? Where are my children?" Jim screamed while clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Captain, you are experiencing a mental breakdown. You have never been with Leonard. He has been my mate since before the academy. Please, return to sickbay so that he can find what is happening to you."

"I know my mind Spock; better than you will ever know it. I want my family back. You have a beautiful wife and a handsome son, Uhura and Salek, why do you need to have my husband as well? Vulcans are supposed to be faithful to their mates. This… just stay back."

"Jim."

"Can it McCoy. Just… just send me down to Phaelixia. If they can't fix me then they for damned sure better kill me because I don't want to be in a world without my husband and children. I may be strong enough to continue without one… but certainly not both," Jim snarled at the doctor.

"Now Jim you know we can't do that. We have to make sure you're stable. Come back to sick bay…"

"FUCK YOU! Send me down and send me down right fucking now. THAT'S AN ORDER."

"Under section…" Spock started.

"If you declare me unfit I swear to all that is holy I will get in touch with Pike and make sure you are both demoted and put off of this ship faster than you can blink. You know that he will give anything to keep me happy… so you two are going to keep your positions and I am going down there to find out what was done. Then they are going to fix it or I am going to die. There are no other options available to you at this time gentlemen," Jim said while trying to even out his breathing.

"Very well Captain. If you will follow me," Spock said while turning toward the transporter room.

"After you McCoy. If you are anything like Bones you have a hypo hidden and just waiting for a chance to shoot me."

"Damn it Jim, I am Bones. Don't do this… we need…"

"YOU ARE NOT BONES! Bones was my husband… you… you are a stranger who looks like my husband. Enough talking, enough stalling; I'm going down there one way or another. They have the answers I know they do," Jim yelled.

"Fine," Leonard snarled before spinning on his toes and rushing to catch up to his bond-mate. "Spock, we gotta do something. He's not right in the head and now he wants to beam down."

"I approve of his actions. He genuinely believes that you were once his husband and he is correct in assuming that the Phaelixians hold the answers and I believe that a face to face meeting will yield better results."

"Better results for whom though? What if… what if he's right and I really am married to him and you to Uhura?" Bones asked while chewing his on his lower lip.

"Worry not T'hy'la, we are bonded more deeply than even most Vulcan bond-mates. You are mine as I am yours," Spock said softly while brushing his hand against McCoy's.

Jim watched the two men in front of him sharing an intimate moment and ached. He didn't know what was going on… but he knew he was fed up with this world… this world that couldn't possibly be his own because there was no Bones in this world.

"You two over by the panel and just beam me down," he said stiffly while positioning himself at the furthest point.

"Now wait one moment. You are not beaming down there by yourself. I may not be your husband but I am still your damned friend and doctor. You almost died down there last time… there is no way you are going alone."

"And _you_ did die down there last time McCoy. You're not my husband but I won't watch him die twice. Spock, keep McCoy on this ship," Jim said in a commanding voice.

"As you wish Captain," Spock replied with a slight nod.

"Now see here you green blooded…"

"Energize," Jim whispered with a wistful smile on his face. For a moment he had gotten a glimpse of his Bones in McCoy. The pain and desperation he felt doubled as the ship disappeared from around him and he found himself facing the Phaelixian Empress.

"Empress Anithi, I believe we need to talk," Jim said in lieu of a greeting.

"You are still in pain… in more pain than when we first heard you. What has happened my child? Why is your heart still so pained?" Anithi asked.

"What do you mean by 'when you first heard me'? I was very happy the first time we met Empress."

"You were indeed happy when you first met my counterpart. However I first heard you yelling for your companion. Your ache was so intense that even the Captain here felt it and fell to the ground in tears. Never before have we felt such grief. We only sought to bring you happiness by bringing you here. How have we erred? How is your heart not yet mended?"

"No Bones… No David… No Joanna… how can I be anything but miserable Empress? I watched as someone who looked like my husband kissed someone who looked like my best friend. So please, if there is something to be happy about… tell me what is it?" Jim asked with tears falling freely from his eyes.

"Your love is there, is he not? You will not have to face your children and tell them of their Father's fate. These are the things you wanted. What you wished fervently for. I heard your heart wish for it and granted you your desires." The Empress said solemnly.

"He's not my love… and without my children… without them what is there for me to hold onto? Killing me would have been kinder than this. Do you have a husband? Someone who completes you?"

"I do."

"And you have children?"

"Of course."

"Then tell me, tell me how you would feel if you went to sleep tonight and woke up tomorrow without either of them? Would you wish to live another day with a mirror version of your husband who holds no love for you? No smiling children to hug away the darkness and sorrow of losing the other half of your soul? Would you be happy?" Jim asked while wiping away his tears.

"We have erred and harmed you. We apologize. Please understand we meant no harm."

"I know, you saw a problem and wanted to fix it… but not everything can be fixed. I accepted that when I chose to be captain."

"But you are not happy," the Empress said with a frown.

"I don't have to be happy… I just have to learn to deal with the pain. Please, send me back home. Fix this… my children need me," Jim begged.

"As you wish. However, we must make amends for the pain we thoughtlessly inflicted upon you. Please tell us what you truly wish for James Tiberius Kirk."

"The only thing I could possibly want is the impossible Your Majesty. Please, just… just send me home," Jim whispered.

"As you wish James. I will send you back to the time of our choosing. We hope you will live happily. Someone as bright as you does not deserve to be dimmed by grief," the Empress whispered as she raised her scepter and pointed it at Jim's chest.

"I'll have my children. What more can a man ask for?" Jim replied with a sad smile.

"You will see Captain," she said before speaking in her native tongue.

Jim held his breath and closed his when a mist that rose from the floor engulfed him. He prayed that his children would be safe. That his friends would support him in his time of grief… that Spock was still married to Uhura. That he could find the strength to get out of bed every day and go on living.

His eyes jerked open as his knees hit the ground and he felt a warm weight in his arms. "Oh my God…"

"I'm dying Jim…" Bones said softly as he reached out and touched his husband's face.

"The fuck you are dying on me again you bastard. KIRK TO ENTERPRISE TWO TO BEAM UP RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!" Jim yelled into the communicator.

"Yelling won't help Jim."

"Want to bet?" Jim said with a laugh as he felt the tug of the transporter.

"Lucky son-of-a-bitch," Bones murmured softly.

"No sleeping Bones. This time you don't get to die on me. "

"Step away Captain we need to get him down to the O.R. M'Benga has it all prepped and waiting," Christine said while loading McCoy onto a gurney.

"Make sure that bastard doesn't die Christine," Jim said while following the medical team.

"No way are we going to let him die Captain. Do you know how hard it is to break in a new CMO? You can't come in here so go and wait in the waiting room."

Jim went and waited in the designated room. He ignored everyone that came to see him or to ask about Bones. Any information given would be useless until he knew if Bones lived or died this round.

His prayer this time was clear and precise: 'Please, let M'Benga do a good job healing my husband and please oh please let Bones live,' he thought over and over again.

"Captain," Chapel said softly while touching the sleeping captain's arm.

"How is he?" he asked grabbing at her arms.

"He's fine. It'll be a few weeks before he can give the kids piggy back rides… but he's fine Captain," she told him with a smile.

"Oh thank you, thank you," Jim said as he crumbled to the floor in tears.

"Hey, why don't you go and see him?" she suggested while handing him a handkerchief.

"I can go see him?" he asked while whipping his eyes and nose.

"Go on. He should be waking up soon," she said while ushering him into Bones room.

Jim paused and soaked up the sight of his injured husband laying in bed with the soft beeps of the monitors telling him that he was really there… really alive.

"Jim," Bones whispered without opening his eyes.

"Hey Bones," Jim laughed as he rushed over and grabbed at his husband's hand.

"Did you get the number?"

"Number of what Bones?"

"Number of the ship that hit me. Ow… What the hell happened?"

"Nothing of import. You're alive… and I am going to kiss you now," Jim informed him before swooping in and claiming the lips that had deserted him before. The kiss was gentle but demanding. Pouring every feeling Jim felt into it.

"If that's the reception I get remind me to get into trouble again sometimes," McCoy said with a purr.

"None of that now. You need to lay down and sleep. No worries there will be time for kisses and love… later. We have a later now," Jim chuckled before kissing his husband again and again.

~Fin~


End file.
